Iteration 4

[aggienaut]

   Willamette Statement Version 0.4 (With changes from this revision iteration marked). I tried to address everything people recommended, felt like I couldnt' come up with a satisfactory way to address a lot of suggestions, but looking at it I guess I did tweak a lot of things. Anyway feedback continues to be appreciated. Thanks again.

Comments

[nibot.livejournal.com]

1. Why do you want to be a lawyer? This must be addressed.

2. Maybe talk about school a little more? You mention your major, but were there any particularly noteworthy or influential courses?

3. This is minor, but "etcetera" is two words, and, as a foreign phrase, must be in italics. However, you should probably just leave it out.

Eventually the board of directors of the Pan-American MUN (PAXMUN) organization asked me to be the Secretary-General of their American Pacific conference in 2007.

"By this point my mad skills in the art of MUN were so well-known that the PAXMUN solicited my leadership as Secretary General of ...."

("Eventually" makes it sound like you were all sitting around and finally everybody was so bored that they said, "Hell, why don't you be Secretary General? At least it will liven things up around here.")

et cetera

By the way, you might get the idea that all I do is sit here and press reload on Livejournal. That idea would not be entirely inaccurate.

[emosnail.livejournal.com]

By the way, you might get the idea that all I do is sit here and press reload on Livejournal. That idea would not be entirely inaccurate.

New version up!

Thanks again for all your advise I greatly appreciate it.

[nibot.livejournal.com]

During my second year at UC Davis I was appointed to the Supreme Court of the Associated Students (ASUCD).

Change the phrasing to get rid of the passive phrase "was appointed". Indicate that you desired and subsequently obtained this position by sheer force of will.

[nibot.livejournal.com]

The emphasis and special programmes of Willamette, such as the International Law Programme and Dispute Resolution Centre, are exactly what I’ve been looking for in a law school. My past experience demonstrates a deep interest in these subjects and propensity to excel at them

"These subjects" refers to "International Law Programme and Dispute Resolution Centre." While the subjects of those centres [sic] are easily inferred, I don't think you want to make your reader make that leap.

Do they really write "centre" and "programme"? If so—pretentious bastards. If not—I suggest you spell the names of their Program and their Center the same way they do. [I know I said that you should go all the way if you want to use British variants, but this does not apply to proper nouns. Anyway, you should drop it.]

[neugotik.livejournal.com]

much better! I would drop the first "and" when you list the programs you like international and transnational and dispute resolution ... when you have a list use just a comma until the last item is grammatically correct i.e. I want icecream, candy, a sandwich, and a cofffee.

You might add one more wrap up paragraph addressing what you plan to do with such an education once obtained. Why are you motivated? Or What do you plan to do with your degree? They want to know that as many of the students they let in as possible will _complete_ the program and that takes motivation, cause:drive.. you know? So what's your goal?