aggienaut | LJ Idol - Week 21

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LJ Idol - Week 21 - Getting Involved

   I awake in the predawn hours while it's still dark, with a panic. I know what I have to do. I urgently hope it's not too late, springing to my feet.

   I steal quietly out of my chamber. Across the hall I am greeted by the emblem of the Napoleonic Empire. Previously it had been the emblem of the Merovingian kings of France, but I think nothing of this -- I'll see it thousands of times a day throughout the royal residence. Right now I have something I need to do before everyone wakes.

   I creep down the halls. I duck into my sister's chamber, and am out again quickly and quietly just a minute later. I'm feeling a rush of adrenaline; my sister's feeling the rush of a tenth of a gram of poison.

   I quickly make my way toward my next target. Servants are beginning to stir. If I encounter any of my siblings after they've already awoke, it could be ... messy.

   I arrive at the opulent entrance to another sibling's chamber, and unsheathe a long straight blade before entering. If caught by one of my sibling's supporters I probably wouldn't be so lucky -- the blades they'd use to exact revenge on me are barbed and tend to rip a gaping hole in one's abdomen. But if I work fast and effectively only my supporters and I will be left.

   Halfway to my next target I run into one of my brothers in the hallway, looking half-asleep and fuzzy-headed. He's useless though, and could never be king. So I continue on my way. I'd like to say I wasn't born blood-thirsty, this is just politics.

   One by one I visit my remaining rival siblings. I am fortunate, I find them all asleep; and they are unfortunate-- I leave them never to awake.

   My success assured, I begin to send the prearranged signals to my supporters. They know what to do, and they will do their part to set our plan in motion. I make my way towards the balcony, already servants in the know are making way for me in deference. I see one of my dead sisters being carried down the hall without ceremony.

   By the time I appear on the balcony, there are already throngs waiting. The sense of change is in the air. Change you can believe in. The crowd is murmuring and buzzing with gossip. I reach the edge of the balcony and lean over the side, and all eyes turn to me in anticipation. I spread my wings, and take flight. With a great buzz, the crowd follows.

   I hate the non-sequitur "this is for LJ Idol" notices people include, but this week we are actually required to note if we're writing about "getting involved" or "flying." This is about "getting involved," clearly. (=

Additional Notes and Explanations
   The "Emblem of the Napoleonic Empire that had been the emblem of the Merovingian kings of France" is of course the honey bee.
   When the "super-organism" that is a bee colony wants to reproduce, about a dozen regular larvae are fed "royal jelly" (really just a different mixture of proteins made from the same stuff as regular honey, I'm told it tastes like marzipan) which leads them to develop into queens. The first queen to hatch proceeds to kill all the others and then leaves with about half the colony's bees in a swarm. This is organized via pheremones.
   The reference to barbed or straight blades is to stingers of course. Queen's stingers don't have barbs -- worker bee stingers do, and it causes their abdomen to be ripped open when they sting*, leaving the stinger behind. And the workers do sometimes "reject" a new queen and kill her.

* Though actually they can lethally sting other bees without plunging the stinger in deep enough to engage the barbs, so bees can and do fight other bees without it being a "kill AND be killed" situation.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

This is some good writing, Kris. I wouldn't have guessed you were talking about bee's if you didn't tell me...

The crowd is murmuring and buzzing with gossip.

I love how you incorporated the word "buzz" in there.

Is the ending not clear enough? I'd kind of like to have (half of them at least) put it together by the end of the narrative.

Though I'm still considering whats below the horizontal line "part of the entry" and if it takes them to get to there to think "oh!" thats better than nothing.

Well the problem is that I already knew the ending, so I would be biased. I would maybe incorporate the extras into the end of the entry, plus that way nobody will complain about the extra notices.

You mean above the line? Hmmm. Problem is I kind of wanted to note that it was "getting involved" and not "flying" in the line after I talk about flying, like it currently stands. (=

You want people guessing. If you are really lucky several of them read the story and then guess together, and you are on the way to having fans.

I say use minimal clues.

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Yeah thats what I was thinking, I want figuring it out to feel like a bit of an accomplishment.

Also I was debating noting that the main character is female somewhere in the beginning (probably via a reference to wearing a silvery dress (ie wings)). It would set them more on the correct track, whereas otherwise people will probably assume I'm writing from a male perspective, since people tend to write, especially if in first person, from their own gender's perspective.

Well, Wally Lamb did it in "She's Come Undone".

My personal opinion is to consider leaving that out, since you want to fool people at the beginning, and describing a female will scream "fiction".

Yeah I think it would tip them off maybe a bit too much. But people know I like to write historical fiction, so I figured the reference to the "emblem of Napoleon" (by which I just mean a bee! ;D ) would have them thinking I was writing about some Napoleonic event.

I really like what you did. I am proud of you Kris!

Uhh, you don't know me at all, but seeing as how you friended me, and I can see this (and I'm bored :-D ), I decided to comment :-p I was going to point out the typos I saw just a few minutes ago, but it looks like you already got most of them :-D

Your first line though "I awake in the predawn hours while its still dark"
"it's" is still misspelled, and in either case "still dark predawn hours" is a pleonasm :-)

I'm only good at editing because I lack the creativity to write anything myself :-p

Thanks! I had managed to totally miss those. That would have been a very inauspicious start. d=

If you ever have are bored and in search for things to edit ... LOL

I have seen requests for comments in your journal at times, but usually by the time I get there, these entries already have 25 comments so I figure I couldn't possibly have anything to add :-p

LOL yeah I know, but my regular entries can use it sometimes too ;)

Very nice. This piece has potential.

You have a decent style, but too often you write about stuff that you haven't a clue about, and haven't a clue that you haven't a clue: you haven't even met a clue and wouldn't know what to do with one if you did happen to run upon it. Not here, though. Not even a little bit.

You have some real talent. This is rare. Let's see what you do with it.

.

I think his entries are pretty well researched. I agree about the talent.

Hm. So what was I most clueless about?

The stuff you are most ignorant about, of course.

For instance, whenever you try to deal with military matters you are pretty strikingly egregious.

I've determined, BTW, to be more positive with you than I am a lot of the time. So forgive me if I don't go into this too much. I'll be sure to speak up when you do something that I think is good!

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Ah. Well if you see any specific fixes to any of them I'd love to hear them. Chances are I'll be writing about military matters again in the future, as many important and interesting events pertain to them.

In unrelated news I forget if I'd mentioned to you, but my little brother is in the marines. He recently volunteered for a third tour in Iraq.

Next time you do one I'll critique it.

I'd recommend that you read as many combat memoirs as you can get a hold of, both by generals and by plain soldiers.

"WWII Infantry Soldier" by William Boyd is an outstanding one.

May your brother stay well and do good! And your other brother the cop, too. And you, for that matter.

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Ah the marine corps brother is the same as the police one. He's on "active reserves" or something now, one weekend a month that whole thing, and his unit is getting deployed.

I'll try to find that book.

Also I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts on other idolists.

Interesting, very different (and it did need the explanation or I'd never have caught the exact reference, I was more thinking "ancient Rome" or something)

Muahaha. Yeah I through in the Merovingian thing just to throw people off ;D

Oh I didn't even particularly pay attention to the Merovingian line ... it was the first paragraph really, killing your entire family for power is just something I very much associate with ancient Rome!

I love it.
I am enjoying the ways that you bring the bees in!!!

I would add (are we still adding?) "Hail to the Queen!" at the end. And then, for those who are still grasping at straws, one more obvious statement that this is a bee colony you're talking about.

"Hail to the Queen" would have been nice. I was one of those grasping at straws not knowing for sure that you were talking bees. Good read though.

About half way through I thought, "I wonder how he is going to incorporate bees into this medieval type thing."

Then, I thought, "Oh."

Theno

Muahahahaha ;D

Wow. I'm very impressed. Love it. : )

Fascinating!! Very unique way to approach the topic.

Most enjoyable - I confess, I figured it would be about bees towards the end, but mostly because I've been reading your writing for months now! ;)

Fun story - I wish you'd kept going beyond the ending.

Haha I did actually think about making a sequel following normal swarm behaviour and colony establishment. Next up: the new queen bee goes on a mating flight to the "drone congregation area" where she proceeds to have wild anonymous sex with 15 to 20 drones (true story).

A very cool piece. I think you could've made an argument that it was for either topic.

These thingies are extra-cool when it can be about multiple topics no matter how deeply you go into it.

Of course, you are still working on this one, nicht wahr?

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I thought this was another piece of historical fiction, and when I found out the real subject, I was even more impressed. Very creative!

You often have interesting historical references in your entries which is a really unique twist! Smile.

I think you should do a historical fiction novel with bees. I can see it now...Cleopatra the Queen Bee.

:p

~*~

Really interesting entry. Love hearing about bees.

A different tactic for you, but one I think will pay off. This is well written and well executed.

Well, the poll results are in now so it's too late to urge other voters. I didn't read all the posts, but of the ones I did, yours was, In my opinion, the very best. I guess that just proves it isn't really about the writing....

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