One for the Ages

[aggienaut]

972 AD, Jorvik, England - A light rain falls as Olaf walks down a narrow street. On either side he passes narrow houses made of wattle (woven twigs) and posts. Woodsmoke swirls out of special openings in the thatched roofs. Over the rooftops to the north can be seen one of the few stone buildings -- a mysterious people known as "Romans" had built various amazing stone buildings across the land that were still standing nearly 500 years after the Romans left. In this case the tower had once been part of the gatehouse of a Roman fort. What had been a gatehouse tower to the Romans had been the royal palace of the Kingdom of Jorvik more recently, but even that was nearly twenty years ago. Now Jorvik belongs to the kingdom of the Anglish and Earl Oslac rules from Jorvik's tower.

   But the former glory of Jorvik isn't much on Olaf's mind as he traverses the smelly trash-filled streets. He's a large grizzly fellow with a huge red beard. He ducks into the dimly-lit interior of a tavern.
   "Ah there you are you old rogue!" his friend Knut jovially greats him, standing up from behind a table. Knut has trouble standing completely straight in the low room due to his immense height. He's not merely tall, and he's not fat, but he's big. Proportionately big. If you were to see him by himself you might not realize it, but when there's something at hand to scale him by one notices he's simply huge. His huge blonde beard does nothing to diminish his eternally good natured countenance however.
   Olaf smiles kind of sheepishly and then lets out a grumble as he seats himself. He waves over the serving girl and orders some mutton, bread, and ale.
   "So how's that chair coming along anyway?" asks Knut, taking a guess at the source of his friend's groans.
   "Oh, I've almost got it I think." says Olaf with determination. He's not a carpenter, but once beginning the project the goal oriented fellow will not let a simple stool get the better of him.
   "I'm going to make a stool that will last a thousand years!" he proclaims so loudly it startles a nearby man with a grey beard, one eye, and a broad brimmed hat, and then takes a large swig of his pine ale (hops would not be used in beer making in the country for more than another 400 years).

   Various finer points of viking stool making are discussed as the mutton and bread arrive. Knut, with stew dripping down his beard and a wooden spoon in one hand comments
   "You know, Olaf, you might feel better if you ate a vegetable now and then."
   "Bah!" scoffs Olaf "rabbit food never did a man any good! ... besides I have a better solution."
   "Whatsh that?" asks Knut with a leek hanging from his mouth
   Olaf produces a small round smooth stone. "It's a bezoar stone I bought at the market today. These things are supposed to cure any poison." Grizzly though he may look, Olaf has enough discretion not to go into detail at the dinner table about the intestinal discomfort he's been having lately. He plunks it proudly into his ale tankard and toasts with it.
   "They find those things in the guts of cows and other beasts don't they?" inquires Knut curiously, peering into Olaf's wooden tankard.
   "But how does it get there?" asks Olaf knowingly, "cows don't eat stones! It's the very embodiment of the spirits of digestion... or something!" he cavalierly declines to deeply study the theology behind it.
   "So.. you're going to swallow that??" asks Knut incredulously.
   "No, no, no, you just put it in your drink and its powers are absorbed by the ale," says Olaf, absently examining the joints on a nearby chair.

   A few hours and several tankards of ale later Olaf is stumbling home, when he feels the call of nature. He quickly ducks down an alley and squats over a muddy pool by the bank as his bowels begin to rumble. Maybe the magic stone is starting to work, he wonders. I don't mean to alarm you dear reader, but it's been a few days since he was last able to make a bowel movement. A noise erupts from his posterior that is so rude Olaf feels a little embarrassed, and somewhere nearby a small child begins to cry. His leaving quickly disappears into the muddy water. Olaf hurriedly pulls a handful of straw off the nearby roof thatch and wipes his rump with it, and then hurries into the night.

---

1972 AD, York - Startled archeologists excavating the future site of one "Lloyd's Bank," discover the oldest preserved human excrement, a nine inch long specimen that becomes known as the Lloyd's Bank Coprolite.
   Analysis reveals that the author of the famous turd ate primarily meat and grains with very little vegetable matter, and had a raging case of intestinal worms.



It is now on display at the Jorvik Viking Center museum, where it "has delighted generations of school children"

See Also: A video about the man who studied the turd, with much better images of it than I seem to be able to find floating about on the intertrons.
See Also: bezoars


Boring Historical Notes:
In 954 the last king of Jorvik, Erik Bloodaxe, was betrayed by his high reeve (chief sheriff) Osulf and murdered "in a lonely mountain pass." Osulf proceeded to administer the former kingdom on behalf of the King of Wessex, who by now controlled all of what would become England.
At this time Jorvik was the second most populous city of Britain, having more than a 1000 residents, and the accumulation of trash on the streets caused the ground level in the city to increase by an inch a year!

Comments

[basric.livejournal.com]

As always well written. Enjoyed reading.

[whipchick.livejournal.com]

This is so interesting! Well-done historical fiction!

[sonophax.livejournal.com]

*hides face and snickers quietly* Very well done.

[agirlnamedluna.livejournal.com]

*snickers* really well done .. it seems Odhinn (I guess Wotan here in Britain) took him quite literally when he proclaimed he'd make a stool lasting for a thousand years ^_^

[rumplebuttkins.livejournal.com]

This was hilarious. Very well done.

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

Muahahaha I knew you'd catch that. I'm very curious if anyone else will recognize Wotan.. I'm thinking out of the pool of 300 participants this year this should be one or two :D

[karmasoup.livejournal.com]

I love how it starts with stool making, which seems rather dry, and causing one to wonder a bit... then ends with making a stool, that's turned out quite dry, which suddenly explains the point of the connection. Somehow, it all just works!

[noodledays.livejournal.com]

this was very creative and interesting to read. well done!

[baxaphobia.livejournal.com]

Very well done and interesting!

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

Thanks (: his fic is one of my favourite things

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

Thanks (:

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

:D Thanks

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

:D thanks!

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

Thanks! :D I was afraid everyone would catch on to where I was going with this talk of stools as soon as I mentioned the word /:

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

Thanks (:

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

Thanks (:

[majesticarky.livejournal.com]

Great historical lesson. I like how you mixed in the present (modern times anyway) with the past. I'm sure bezoar stones were used quite often for just that purpose. hehe.

Bezoar stones!

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

Oh they were. The principal of caveat emptor ("buyer beware") was basically established by a 1603 lawsuit about whether or not a purchased bezoar stone was properly providing this function, and if not allegedly therefore not really a bezoar stone. I don't think I've come across solid proof that this was the belief back in 972 but I think it's probably a good bet.

[jacq22.livejournal.com]

Absolutely brilliant.... I was fascinated. Sort of horrified about the worms.....UGH.... but read on, and listened to the Proff. what a character!

I love what we learn from other writers. Some of those who took a bye should read what can be done..research, listen, and learn. So glad I found some time to read today

[n3m3sis42.livejournal.com]

This was one of the few pieces about literal shit that I actually enjoyed. I especially liked the humorous foreshadowing in "I'm going to make a stool that will last a thousand years!".

[myrna-bird.livejournal.com]

Interesting that the Lloyd's Bank Coprolite resemble a foot (print) and leads us to know about the diet of the times. The historial references make a really good story!.

[technophobe1975.livejournal.com]

It must have been an amazing chain of coincidences that led to this mighty stool being preserved down through the centuries for our amusement and education!

Stool

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

And that particular pun was one of my last ideas for the story too! It only came after I stumbled across the website about viking stools (of the sitting type) that I suddenly had a eureka moment about stool. ;D

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

When I hit on this idea I was so so so pleased ;D

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

Hmm I suppose maybe it does. Though this picture looks a bit different than how it looks in the video I linked to about the guy who studied it. In its video appearances it looks dark coloured and pointy. I know I could old a dinasaur cropolite without feeling squimish but I'm not sure I could handle the LBC without feeling like I was holding someone's giant turd.

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I could actually find any comments in the research available on it about how it came to be preserved. My guess that I went with here is that it maybe was dropped into an anaerobic pool of mud that sealed it in, though furzicle put forth the theory that maybe rather the opposite happened and it dried out and became sort of "mummified"

[alycewilson.livejournal.com]

The history of sh*t was never so well-written and interesting.

[elvagreenfield.livejournal.com]

From LJ Idol:

1. I love this! It made me LOL. Also I work at a rather famous ancient Roman ruin, so references to Romans make me all, like, YAY! Romans built stuff!
Also, " "I'm going to make a stool that will last a thousand years!" " :D

2. A few of bits of specific (nitpicky) feedback (all my opinion, and subject to my tastes -- please feel free to ignore if you disagree, that's entirely fine)

The first paragraph is too passive and too descriptive. I don't care about where we are or the exposition - I want to know what's happening. Feed this stuff in later, but only if it matters - try opening with a different line - if you want to stick with place, try, "The tower had once been part of the gatehouse of a Roman fort." (which gives the tower itself more character, and allows the reader to feel the age & decay of the place) or for character, "the former glory of Jorvik isn't much on Olaf's mind" (Which, you know, tosses us further into the story so we're already thinking about who we are, where we are, where we've been & where we're going).

"Smelly" is a lazy word. And "Trash" is an Americanism. And you don't need to say both - the reader is intelligent, they know that if the streets are filled with human shit or whatever, they'll be smelly. You don't have to tell them so. Trust your reader.

Adverbs are like... shorthand. Find a new way of describing things. Also is "cavalierly" an actual word?

The less you describe in a literal, physical sense, the more the reader has to use their own imagination to get into the shoes of the character - and the more they'll identify & engage. Give them the outline, and force them to fill in the detail. But obviously, give the reader enough to work with.

' "So.. you're going to swallow that??"' -- Why have you got two question marks? You don't need to force the emphasis here.

"Olaf hurriedly pulls a handful of straw off the nearby roof thatch and wipes his rump with it, and then hurries into the night." Too many "and"s -- also an adverb - try to find a more dynamic way of saying "pulls" rather than putting an adverb in front of it.


That's all my brain has, right now.

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

Thanks for all your feedback! Yeah that first section before the tavern really needed a lot of work. I just put the new version up if you could take a look! (: