Urgent Request for Feedback!

[aggienaut]

   If I may interrupt the ongoing travelogue to fly wildly through time and space... there's this writing contest to win a trip to Argentina and travel writing mentoring, and the deadline is in 12 hours actually I just realized the autoloading count down on the webpage is counting down from Melbourne time but in the time zone of the deadline as far as I can tell it is 28 hours to go so I can wait till I get home this evening I belieeve, though time zone shenanigans are making me nervous.

   To apply, I must write a piece that limbos under the incredibly low limit of 2500 characters, on one of these topics:
"Making a Local Connection"
"The Last Thing I Expected"
"A Decision that Pushed Me to the Edge"

   Coming up with a story that is both poignant and under 2500 characters has been hard, but I finally settled on "making a local connection" and adapting the character study I did of my interpreter Baro in Guinea. Even that seemingly very short entry is 3600 characters though!!

   So anyway, here is what I have. Please any constructive criticism and advice is appreciated! Obviously I'm right up on the deadline so I'm gonna let it sit just for a few hours (currently on my lunch break at work, since I'm going out to dinner with my parents this evening (its their last day here!) I'll probably submit it at the very end of the workday so that this evening I'm not worrying about getting it in on time.

   So here it is, currently weighing in at 2,467 characters (so keep in mind I can basically add only one word right now without deleting an equal amount to make room)! --

---

   We’re sitting on the porch in the dark, just watching the rain and the constant lightning that flashes silently over the corrugated metal roofs of the other cottages in the village, when the long warbling call to prayer suddenly breaks out, from Baro’s phone.
   “Come, let’s break fast.” He says to me with a smile on his stolid face. Other people are already coming by, someone hands us umbrellas, and we step onto the volcanic gravel of the village paths, while the rain pours down around us in big fat cold drops. Baro hobbles along with a pronounced limp in his left leg, we make a little informal procession under the umbrellas, around some cottages, between tall stalks of corn, past some round thatched huts.

   Most days, if it wasn’t too wet, after th breaking of the fast Baro would tend his a teakettle over a little fire of coals, squatting just off the porch. He made it from loose leaf tea, repeatedly pouring it from the kettle into a tin cup and back into the kettle. He’d spend an hour or two at this, like a long slow ritual, as the moon slowly rose overhead. With no electricity, you become acutely aware of the phase of the moon, especially since Ramadan and fasting wouldn’t be over until the moon finished its cycle.
   With nothing but the light from the moon and the stars, and the orange glow of the coals under the kettle, I would think about how very much like his nomadic ancestors Baro looked at this moment.

   They say Guinea is the “watertank of Africa,” it is a beautiful lush green country in which two of Africa's great rivers, the Senegal and Niger, both originate. For two weeks I was based in this little village a long day's drive into the interior. During long evenings after work I'd sometimes walk along the surrounding forest paths, the gaggle of village children would all run around together, the adults would all collect on someone's veranda to chat on into the darkness. Baro, my interpreter, had a transistor radio which would give us reports of the outside world and burgeoning ebola epidemic all around us.
   Baro came from dry Mali to the east, but had come to Guinea to escape politcal instability. Ebola wasn't in this village but it was in Guinea's capital; if the capital were to become too dangerous Mali would have to be my own way out.

   Despite the turmoil of the outside world, here in the village the children played happily, the adults continued their daily routines. And Baro and I peacefully whiled away the hours.

Comments

[nightspore.livejournal.com]

I love this.

A couple of points: "Most days, if it wasn’t too wet, Baro would spend the hours after the breaking of the fast tending a teakettle over a little fire of coals, squatting just off the porch for hours. He made it from loose leaf tea, repeatedly pouring it from the kettle into a tin cup and back into the kettle. He’d spend an hour or two at this..." -- too many hours: this is a place you could be more efficient.

Do you want to say Baro is your interpreter that late? It could work but it's a touch confusing.

Last sentence of penultimate paragraph -- the comma should be a semicolon or a "and".

Last sentence: do you mean "Baro and I"?

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

Oh thanks! Good points! Especially eliminated the extra hours! I've made the changes in the word doc as well as this entry so you can see the changed version. I'll evaluate the placement of mentioning he's my interpreter later though, I gotta get to work now ;)

Thanks!!!

[lindahoyland.livejournal.com]

I like it. You missed an "e". here "after th breaking of the fast Baro"

[wpadmirer.livejournal.com]

I think it's lovely.

There is one typo - you're missing an e on "the" in this line: after th breaking of the fast

I hope very much that you win!

[nattalie-m.livejournal.com]

You have 1 day and 13 hours left the count down says.
Good luck! If you win and you need any info about Argentina let me know, I live there :)

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

Thanks!!

And good to know. Crossing my fingers I get sent there by winning this contest! (:

How are things there?

[jaiden-s.livejournal.com]

You flipped from present tense in the first paragraph to past in the second one. I'd go with past tense for the entire piece. Some others noted the "th" typo. I also see a couple of more.

"Come, let us break fast." He said Change that to "Come let us break fast," he said... Use a comma and lower case h.

Most days, if it wasn’t too wet, after th breaking of the fast Baro would tend his a teakettle over a little fire of coals Omit the comma after wet. Add an e to th. Add a comma between fast and Baro.

Actually, as I'm reading, I'm seeing more comma additions and switches needed from commas to periods. I'd recommend that you run over it again with a keen eye for grammar or ask a friend to give you a proofread.

I like your style very much. Your descriptions are lush and beautiful. Good luck!

[pundigrion.livejournal.com]

I am too late for feedback, but did want to say that is an impressive job with crazy limits on characters!

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

Thanks! (:

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

Thanks!! (:

[nattalie-m.livejournal.com]

Things here are a little hard but we will survive :D

Do they annunced the winners?

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

I think it's like April 4th. I'll be waiting impatiently! (:

[nattalie-m.livejournal.com]

Ah! I thought it was March 4th!!!!

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

Nah. So impatient! Plus the organization I do most of my projects with and was supposed to send me to Congo in April and Kyrgyzstan in May just informed me they're doing no projects till September ... which then is too late for me because the season will be starting up again here. Soo I need to find some traveling to do!