How to Write a Bee Attack Article

[aggienaut]

   Yesterday at work I perused countless articles on bee attacks in order to find more sources to cite in my own press releases and such. It quickly became apparent that most of them were about pretty much the exact same thing: people get stung by bees, writer includes a brief overview of the Africanized bee situation, a few quotes are thrown in, the end. Pretty standard really. In fact, so standard that I decided to create a standardized guide to writing bee attack reports (which if followed closely, will actually make the article a lot better than most).


   SO.. you are a reporter, you have been assigned to write up a recent bee attack, and you have found your way here (This was crossposted to my new google-searchable blog). Congratulations, you already appear to be doing more research than most!! Simply follow the following grading rubric to epic success! (the percentages noted refer to the relative importance as if it were being graded. Thus we can use this rubric to look at already-written articles and objectively compare just how bad they suck)

Newsworthiness - up to 33% of total (is your article even really newsworthy?)
(1) Obligatory title that is a pun involving the word "buzz." - Reporters never seem to be able to resist such gems as "the buzz on bees" or "locals buzzing about bees" (we would never do that here of course). For use of a bad pun as a title I actually give minus 10% to your article.
(2) Did anyone get stung more than 10 times? 10% per person up to 33%. 15% per child or elderly woman.
(3) Were any dogs killed? 5% per dog (up to 33%)
(4) Were any people killed? 33%
(5) Other - "Man stung by bees, then hit by car," "Man stung by bees, falls into agricultural thresher and killed," and "Pest control called out to kill bees surrounding homicide victim so police can investigate" were all articles I came across yesterday. Something really odd like this could give the newsworthiness of your article a bonus over 33% (making up for your otherwise bad writing)

Research - up to 33% of total
(1A) Have you cited any entomologists? Offhand I can think of and recommend UC Davis entomologis Dr Eric Mussen, UC Riverside entomologist Kirk Visscher (just do a name search at the respective schools for their contact info), Dr Steven Theones. Orange County (CA) Ag Commission Entomologist Nick Nisson is also a popular local choice but I don't have any personal experience with him. 22% (or you could you know, cite me. thats totally bonus) ;)
(1B) Or did you just cite whomever was on hand dealing with the bees? - Goodwork, they were probably either a general pest control operator who thinks of bees as giant flying ants, or a hobbyist beekeeper who might just be a crazy hippie. 0% (you call that research?)
(2) Have you explained the difference between Africanized and European bees? 11% Africanized bees: 26 Apis mellifera scutellata (ie a subspecies of honeybee) queens from Tanzania were taken to Brazil in 1957 for experiments in crossbreeding since they were able to work harder in a number of ways, but 12 escaped and flourished. The more aggressively defensive African bees quickly developed a reputation as "killer bees" and spread, eventually reaching the southern United States in the early nineties. They are indestinguishable from European honeybees except through DNA analysis.

Education - up to 33% of total - including these useful tidbits will give your article some redeeming value
(1) Preventative Measures - You ought to tell your readers the following nuggets of wisdom on preventing bee infestations, which add up to 6% total:
(1a) Denial of entry - 2% - Make sure vents in your walls are covered with 1/8th inch screen and there aren't cracks in your roof pitches or any other such small entrances to voidspace.
(1b) Denial of livingspace - 2% - Also, and especially if places cannot be properly sealed off and/or have already had one infestation, the void should be filled with insulation so as to no longer be a void.
(1c) Don't agitate the bees by throwing rocks or spraying them with water - 2% - You'd think this would be obvious, but apparently not. Also in this category it should be noted that over-the-counter insect sprays will only kill the few dozen bees outside a hive, likely making the tens of thousands inside rather displeased.
(2) Reactive Measures - What to do when attacked by angry bees - 7% each, totalling 28%
(2a) Don't jump in the pool! Most people seem to think jumping in a pool when attacked by bees is a good idea -- its not. The bees will just wait for you to come up for air. Instead you should...
(2b) ...Run in a straight line - The fastest way to put the longest distance between two points is a straight line. I vaguely recall that bees fly at 5mph -- you should be able to run at least 7mph. Or you could...
(2c) ...Get into an enclosed space - like a car or inside a building (and close the door asap behind you. Unlike underwater, you can wait a lot longer in an air conditioned house with a fridge and a TV than the bees can. Also...
(2d) Remove stingers asap - they continue to pump venom into you for up to fifteen minutes after the bee has left it anchored in you and gone and died somewhere.
(3) Illegal / Inadvisable things - that frequently come up in bee attack reports. Its neither here nor there that one actually reports on the first two, but it may get someone in trouble:
(3a) Beekeeping against city ordinances - In many cities it is not legal to keep bees. In a number of newspaper articles I've seen recently, people have flagrantly advertised that they are keeping bees in those cities. Real smart.
(3b) Illegal pest control practices - In the state of California, it is unlawful to apply commercial pesticides (which includes using over-the-counter pesticides in a commercial manner, such as responding to a bee call when you're not the homeowner themself) without a license, and it is unlawful to cut open someone's ceiling or wall without a license. It is also unlawful to do a live removal without $25,000 in insurance. Most amateur "bee rescuers" lack any and all of these. This can get them in very serious trouble.
(3c) Advocating live removal - In locations known to be thoroughly colonized by Africanized Bees (such as OC). For reasons I've extensively covered elsewhere, it is extremely imprudent, detrimental to overall bee population health, a major liability and potentially unlawful to capture a feral swarm or colony alive and release it somewhere else. Minus 25% to your grade if you've once again been duped by hippies into advocating this misconceived activity (unless you're out of the Africanized Bee splash-zone)


   Unfortunately, the two most recent bee articles at the OC Register scored a -25% and -20% on my grading scale, respectively. I may have to readjust it.


   Also yesterday, I went undercover to a local bee supply store which Dave has declared a jihad on. I went in and pretended I knew nothing about bees and was interested in getting into it in order to see what they were telling people. Also, bought a hive from him.

Comments

[likeabikemike.livejournal.com]

*This* is good. You are on to something here. May the Google (scoring) be with you. All hail Google! (No, I'm not being facetious!)