Statement for Willamette

[aggienaut]

"…Please provide information you would like the admission council to consider in reviewing your application. We encourage you to discuss experiences you have had living, working or studying within another culture. Possible topics could also include responses to the following questions:

What are your career goals? What experiences and influences significantly shaped who you are today? How will Willamette’s program contribute to your professional development ?

Please limit the length of your personal statement to no more than three pages. …"

   The following is my personal statement for Willamette College School of Law. Or you can read it as a word document here REVISED VERSION.

   I am very excited about Willamette’s University. The emphasis and special programmes (such as the International Law Programme and Dispute Resolution Centre) of Willamette very excellently match my interests. I believe my past experience demonstrates a deep interest in these subjects and propensity to excel at them.

   During what would have been my tenth grade year I took the opportunity to live in Sweden with the family of an exchange student who had lived with my family in California the previous year. In Sweden I attended school and learned Swedish through emersion. I very greatly enjoyed the experience and it further instilled in me a desire to pursue a career in which I’d have many opportunities to experience new and different cultures and societies.

   In ninth grade I got involved in Model United Nations (MUN) and have been doing it ever since. My favourite committees have always been either the Legal Committee, International Law Commission, or those which require compromise and conflict resolution skills, such as Disarmament. In addition to being a delegate in such committees, I have enjoyed chairing committees frequently. Because of my substantial experience chairing, the International Relations Student Association (IRSA) at UC Davis asked me to mediate several debates they hosted on Middle East issues. Eventually the board of directors of the Pan-American MUN (PAXMUN) organization asked me to be the Secretary-General of their American Pacific conference in 2007. In this capacity I was in charge of about a dozen staff, coordinating the staff’s efforts on pre-conference preparation, and dealing with anything arising during the conference. Through these experiences, in addition to leadership and conflict/compromise experience, I got an introduction to international law and found it extremely intriguing.

   During my second year at UC Davis I was appointed to the Supreme Court of the Associated Students (ASUCD). UC Davis has a very large student government, with a $9.3 million operating budget and about a hundred people involved in the governance alone. I was appointed as one of eight associate justices on the Court, and then, after two months, as the most junior member of the Court, I was made the Chief Justice. In this capacity I had substantial duties administering the court, training new justices, presiding over hearings and deliberations, and working with other elements of the student government. With such a large student government we had many interesting cases, dealing with issues such as government transparency, power relationships between various bodies, government control of the school paper, elections issues, etcetera. Despite the frequently complex and hotly debated issues I believe I was well respected by student government members across the spectrum. I served an almost four year term as Chief Justice before I graduated and feel I greatly strengthened the reputation and functionality of the Court.
   During this experience I found that I really loved working on legal issues. I greatly enjoyed researching real-world precedents for our cases and drafting the court’s formal Opinions. This experience definitely cemented my desire to go on to law school.

   At UC Davis I majored in International Relations, with minors in Political Science, History, & Communications. In particular within Communications I took classes pertaining to Organizational Communications and Conflict. I found the study of conflict communications to be fascinating and realized that understanding and mitigating conflict underpinned much of my interest in international conflicts. As such I am very excited that Willamette’s Center for Dispute Resolution, as well as the International and Comparative Law programmes.

   I believe that with its emphasis on international and transnational law, and on dispute resolution, Willamette is the perfect school for me. I believe that in my past experiences I have shown a great amount of enthusiasm for exactly the subjects that Willamette emphasizes. I think I will be a perfect fit for Willamette, and my enthusiasm will contribute very positively to to Willamette’s existing programmes.

   I feel like to me it looks painfully like an essay on "oh look I'm so awesome" buut I suppose thats what a personal statement is supposed to be? Any feedback on it would be very greatly appreciated.

   Also I finally got ahold of Ambassador Holmes so I'm excited about that letter of rec. Also have tapped Mark Champagne and former UCD poli sci professor Becker for letters.

*** EDIT 08-03-29 01:27 *** NEW VERSION promulgated with changes recommended thus far made (this version has changes indicated).

Comments

i was an editor in my prior life - ok, I still am.

[neugotik.livejournal.com]

very excellently match my interests.
might change - are an excellent match to my interests- or precisely match my interests ... something less 'slang like' - very is rather a bad word in applications. ;)

I am very excited about you might even drop this to "I am excited about" - no need for double !! you know what I mean?

special programmes (such as the International...) drop the () and just say what you mean. "the special programs, specifically the international ... & dispute match my interests... etc" Now that I read that again "match my interests" is almost passive tense.

My interests are specifically in the International & Dispute center programs and I am excited about the special programs you offer in these areas.??

I'm sorry - hope I don't offend but you asked for feedback.

[neugotik.livejournal.com]

I believe my past experience demonstrates a deep interest in these subjects and propensity to excel at them.

a deep interest? - sounds slang again- perhaps weakened by the "I believe my past" -- I mean, you have your past or you don't. - right?

and them_ what is "them"?

My life experience has drawn me into areas of international studies and dispute resolution.

Like it better? Be forward, strong & state clearly what you want.

[neugotik.livejournal.com]

I very greatly enjoyed

I immensely enjoyed

I tremendously enjoyed

I greatly enjoyed

No "very" it sounds child-like - go through & cross out every single "very" & use a better more grown-up word.

----------------------------------------------
a career in which I’d have many opportunities to experience new and different cultures and societies.


a career in which I could interact with many cultures and societies
----------------------------------------------
the I LOVE all the years of experience & your quantitative examples of $ managed, etc: nicely worded too --

but your conclusion is weaker:

During this experience I found that I really loved working on legal issues. I greatly enjoyed researching real-world precedents for our cases and drafting the court’s formal Opinions.

how about flipping it to the active tense again instead of passive tense?

I found I love working on legal issues because this experience. I enjoy research, and real world precedents in our cases was the foundation of drafting our court's formal Opinions ? just an idea - active puts you as the action maker in the sentence, instead of the happenstance feel of passive tense verbs.

Re: I'm sorry - hope I don't offend but you asked for feedback.

[emosnail.livejournal.com]

Haha thanks a lot I appreciate it. I'm going to see if I can fix those things up asap.

Re: I'm sorry - hope I don't offend but you asked for feedback.

[neugotik.livejournal.com]

don't take it personally -I can piece meal most any one's writing - I studied journalism & editing for years & have been a PM for over a decade - just trying to help _ I Love Oregon -I grew up in Eugene -so I saw the word Willamette & had to read it all!

Re: I'm sorry - hope I don't offend but you asked for feedback.

[neugotik.livejournal.com]

sure - one thing that helps me when I have to edit my own work is reading it out loud to myself - lets my brain process it differently, and as a "listener" I can then hear what may not seem awkward at first read, but is aloud (and to those who didn't write it).

[neugotik.livejournal.com]

and realized that understanding and mitigating conflict underpinned much of my interest in international conflicts.

did you mean in international studies? The double use of the word conflict confuses me here. the study of conflict.. underpinned your interest in conflict? -

[emosnail.livejournal.com]

I found the study of conflict communications to be fascinating and realized that understanding and mitigating conflict underpinned much of my interest in international conflicts

Hmm yeah "conflict" is actually used three times in that sentence. What I'm trying to say is the study of "conflict communication" made me realize that interest in "understanding and mitigating conflict" was a large part of why international conflicts had always fascinated me. Not mentioned is that I'm specifically a "Peace & Security" emphasis within IR -- I studied conflict.

But yeah, that sentence could probably be made more clear. d=

?

[neugotik.livejournal.com]

My communications studies, specifically I was a "Peace and Security" emphasis within IR, connected for me how understanding and mitigating conflicts is a core part of communications and legal studies.

Re: ?

[emosnail.livejournal.com]

see to me that "specifically ... within IR" just screams "paranthetical aside." d=

ah yes - but that's good for school! heh.

[neugotik.livejournal.com]

lol/ is that bad? heh. I guess I like strong fact-based support for showing your experience off: why not? It's a fact (shrug) - sure though: do what you feel best about, that's important too.

Re: ah yes - but that's good for school! heh.

[emosnail.livejournal.com]

yeah fact based is good. I was debating, specifically, the use of a comma bound aside rather than (specifically) a parenthetical one. (as illustrated by treatment of "specifically" in the previous sentence)(though in the exemplar sentence the commas do work better) (=

[neugotik.livejournal.com]

I believe that with its emphasis on international and transnational law, (is this a typo? is this trans-national? or transitional?)

I believe that in my past experiences I have shown a great amount of enthusiasm for exactly the subjects

you say "I belive" often - you don't have to ever use that phrase, and you'll sound stronger if you don't.

I think I will be a perfect fit for Willamette, and my enthusiasm will contribute very positively to to Willamette’s existing programmes.

you can remove "I think" here too.

Perfect is also rather extreme a word to use so often. er, sorry.

The emphasis on international, trans-national & dispute law at Willamette makes this school a draw to me. My past experience shows my enthusiasm for these subjects. My enthusiasm will positively contribute to the Willamette programs"

....but beyond just that wording feedback: Don't forget they want to draw YOU in too - you have other schools that want You - it's a two-way application : you are a value to them as well, and you should know it.

Your experiences are awesome: much more then many people. You don't need to tell them you'll be a good fit: It's obvious. You are also asking them: what can we do to grow together - I will benefit the schools programs and we can grow together into something better -- that kind of spin.

Your journal is full of excellent & stunning experience, so don't feel you need to double explain your interest; and try to remember they read hundreds of applications, so you don't want to sound bland like all the others: you want to stand out as confident, experienced and the "one" that will make the school proud post-graduation. ;)

good luck! You'd do awesome in law & dispute resolution!

[emosnail.livejournal.com]

Yeah, is "transnational" as in "trans-national." They spell it without a hyphen themselves.

Otherwise, yeah I could hear the voices of past English teachers in my head when I wrote "I believe" and "I feel" but it just feels so full of oneself to state unequivically that I AM so greatly suited to them. But you're probably right I should suck it up and do that.

[nibot.livejournal.com]

Putting in "I believe" is appropriate if you don't want to appear too cocky. You probably only need to use it once, however.

[nibot.livejournal.com]

Why do you want to be a lawyer? You don't address this at all, but it is a crucial topic for this essay.

I am very excited about Willamette’s University.

Weak. You don't sound excited at all. You know, "show it, don't tell it."

Also, as has already been mentioned, "very excellently" has got to go.

During what would have been my tenth grade year...

High school is ancient history. While you should mention that you lived in Sweden for a year (they specifically ask for study-abroad experience), something that happened in high school should not take up your second paragraph unless it was truly life-changing, or you present it as such. What did you learn in Sweden that has critically altered your career, making attendance of this school your manifest destiny?

I attended school and learned Swedish through emersion

That doesn't mean what you think it does. Emersion and immersion are like emigration and immigration.

In ninth grade I got involved in Model United Nations (MUN)

Having just read about 10th grade, it's shocking to encounter a mention of even more ancient history. However, you do save yourself with the "and have been doing it ever since." Still, the reference to 9th grade makes it sound like you're applying to college and not professional school. Furthermore, though I do like your informal voice, I think "got involved" might not be the optimal phrasing. Too passive. It's cliché, but you can say something like, "My passion for international whatever was engaged at an early age. In high school I lept at the opportunity to join Model United Nations and to study abroad for a year." I think this would be a good scheme: lump Sweden and "Early MUN" into one paragraph about the beginnings of your interest in this stuff, and then have a second paragraph on the strong influence of MUN. In any case, the phrasing should indicate that you have actively sought these engagements and not just fallen into them. This advice regarding active phrasing applies to the entire essay. (You use the word "got" twice, which might be two times too many.)

I got an introduction to international law and found it extremely intriguing.

For example, it would be better to write, "I found this introduction to international law so intriguing that [EXAMPLE]."

The emphasis and special programmes (such as the International Law Programme and Dispute Resolution Centre) of Willamette very excellently match my interests.

Cut to the chase. Be specific. Say (without anything in parentheses) that the ILP and DLC are why you're applying to Willamette.

favourite

Hm. British spelling but a distinctly American voice. I suppose they might go for this in international law circles, but be sure that you use British variants consistently.

I have enjoyed chairing committees frequently.

Do you know, or could you calculate or estimate, the number of committees you have chaired? That would be a good little detail to include, for specificity and to bring home the point that you are obsessed with MUN.

This experience definitely cemented my desire to go on to law school.

Law school is not a destination, but preparation for a career. It's that career you should talk about, not wanting to go to law school.

[emosnail.livejournal.com]

But at 25 the number of times I've chaired almost seems TOO high. d=

[emosnail.livejournal.com]

How do you "show" excitement, other than silly things like exclamation points? /=

applying elsewhere?

[nibot.livejournal.com]

BTW, are you applying elsewhere too? It seems a bit late in the season (it appears most law schools have February 1st deadlines), but you should definitely apply to more than one place. I don't know what's normal for law school, but for grad school one typically applies to maybe a half-dozen schools

Re: applying elsewhere?

[emosnail.livejournal.com]

Eh, its true that many are past, but for example my second choice is due on the first of May.

[shamster.livejournal.com]

ooh, my girlfriend got her JD from Willamette (and is on the WA bar, and OR bar results come out on friday). She worked at the Lane county circuit court for a year and is now staff attorney for the oregon worker's comp. board in Salem. If you want she's always excited to talk about the school with potential new lawyers, and maybe even talk up life in Salem/OR, too :)