Version 2.2

[aggienaut]

   Everyone seemed to like the new version better so I've turned that into the official version now. Made recommended changes. Any feedback is still appreciated. I'll be submitting it later today. O=!

WITH CHANGES INDICATED

WITHOUT MARKUP

Comments

[blueliquid13.livejournal.com]

Not to be a dick, but your opening line/paragraph has always bugged me:

"The emphasis and special programs of Willamette University College of Law make it my top choice law school."

Yawn.

Where's the bite? What's going to keep the reader interested in you - that you're excited about their school? Isn't that already apparent with your application?

I know your submitting today, but I'd consider possibly starting off with a catchy anecdote, or something to grab their attention.

Oh, and I know its a personal statement, but three paragraphs in a row start with I; it's just a tad distracting.

[emosnail.livejournal.com]

Hmm thanks. I appreciate all the feedback. Not sure if I'll be able to implement the anecdote solution this late in the game, but I'll see about tweaking the Is. Next time be a dick sooner. (=

[furzicle.livejournal.com]

Paragraph I
for use in my chosen career: International law and diplomacy.

Mention MUN involvemnet past graduation.

Tell how being Chief Justice became the highlight of your undergraduate career--you thrived on the intellectual challenges and working for a worthwhile cause. You feel that the judicial branch of the student government was left stronger by your tenure.

You also saw how quickly some elements find ways to exploit the perks of student government and worked tirelessly to uphold ethical government proactices.

Yes, include anecdotes!

I still think you should try to flesh out you closing paragraphs.

Gotta go. Good luck!

[littlenick.livejournal.com]

I don't mean to be harsh but I feel like your essay is essentially a rehash of what will already be on your submitted resume.

The personal essay is 2 pages of prime real estate. You can use this valuable space to Really distinguish yourself from others by conveying your personality, not just your accomplishments. You're a pretty unique individual but that's not shining through in what I read.

That being said, it's well written. I just feel like the subject matter is lacking.

[nibot.livejournal.com]

Agreed.

[neugotik.livejournal.com]

much better!!

it's cute, really, how enthusiastic you are - but too many !!! will turn off those sour ol' admissions- or , like, anyone not as excited as you *grin*

So, thus, you're final sentence (only) "and contribute extremely postively to Willamette" is just a tad cheerleader: which you don't need, as you have the experience to sweep in the colleges with the tip of your hat & tweed coat, you know??
so maybe- ...will contribute to Willamette in a postive and dynamic manner"
you have like... you know. reserve. ;)

Looks awesome. Go gettum. :D

[nibot.livejournal.com]

I agree that the phrase "extremely postively" is atrocious.

[nibot.livejournal.com]

I believe Willamette’s emphasis on these areas will allow me to maximally hone useful skills in for use in a successful career.

I think there's an extra "in" in there. Also, I think "maximally hone" sounds too clever/strange; "will best prepare me for my desired career" or something along those lines might be better.

I. Background

I really liked these subject headings. I suggest you put them back in. (Strangely, after reading this most recent version, I found myself thinking that the previous version was much better. But strange, the main differences are in the formatting and these subject headings.)

As far back as high school I knew I wanted to be an International Relations major.

Change this to something like, "...I knew I wanted to work in International Relations." When I read the first half of the sentence I was excited because I thought I was going to hear about your ambitions, but then it ended with a note about your ambitions for college—which is over and done with.

I was fascinated by ongoing world conflicts and attempts to resolve them, such as the political situations in Bosnia-Herzegovina or Somalia, or the several secessionist movements in the country of Georgia.

This is a good sentence, one of the few that gives your particular interests. I think you should feel free to elaborate.

Within the Communications minor, I was deeply interested in the theories of what underlies such intractable conflicts and tactics to resolve them.

Some examples would be good here. "Communications" has a pretty bad reputation for being easy, so if you gave some example of something interesting you studied under the auspicies of this minor it might dispell that suspicion.

Also, saying you are "deeply" interested in something should not be taken lightly. After such a pronouncement, you owe us some evidence.

(topics such as “The Legal Status of Detained Unlawful Combatants,” “International Liability for Unintentional Transboundary Damage Arising from Legal Activities,” & “The Applicability of Diplomatic Immunity to Persons Accused of International Crimes”),

It's not necessary to use both italics and quotes. Generally papers get quotes while books and journals get italics. I suggest you get rid of the italics, which I find distracting. In fact, I think it would be better to also drop the quotation marks and capitals and just list these as subjects (topics, a you say) rather than titles.

In this capacity I was in charge of selecting, training, and coordinating the pre-conference preparations of about a dozen staff, and handling any issues which arose during the three days of conference.

I have mixed feelings about this sentence. (Whenever someone says they have "mixed feelings," it means they don't like something.) The problem is that these things you mention would be ideal qualifications for an office manager, but do not speak to your interest in international relations.

I was involved with the student government of UC Davis (ASUCD) throughout my time there.

Passive. Say why and how you got involved, not just the fact that you were involved.

By my second year I had distinguished myself as a clear-thinking and unbiased individual and was appointed as one of the eight associate justices of the supreme court of ASUCD. I immediately became involved with the court with such enthusiasm and judiciousness that I was made the chief justice two months later while still the most junior member of the court.

This is excellent. More like this!