LJ Idol - Topic 10 - The Vanity of Thinking the Entry is Not About You

[aggienaut]

   "You're so vain, you probably think this entry is about you." Its the LJ Idol topic for this week ... and a phrase I can't stand.
   It grates upon my eyes. Every subject line containing it this week makes me cringe.
   At first I didn't know why. After some contemplation, however, I think I've figured it out.
   "You're so vain, you probably think this entry is about you" is inherently a vain and hypocritical statement. The statement carries the assumption that whomever the writer has in mind, the writer thinks that person is going to read their entry, and is assuming they care about the entry. As such, there's a major irony in ever using that statement in a serious manner.


   But on to the subject of vanity, presumption, and judgement. Its clearly time to make wild statements which might just be about YOU and I've got exactly seven hours to write an entry, get some sleep, and get to work.
   I have a friend who frequently asks me my opinion of her. I usually respond by seemingly going on a tangent about a behaviour or attitute which I am by no means saying she exhibits (hey I'm just going off on a tangent), with the hope she will think critically about how it might apply to her while she's in an ostensibly introspective mood. I'm sure she doesn't. But I'm not going to give her the bad news she doesn't really want to hear directly.
   Its not that I'm being avoidant. Its that it would be counterproductive. Everyone gets defensive when they hear something about themselves they don't want to hear. They discredit the source and dig in on their pre-existing opinion of themselves. It doesn't help people to make them dig in, so I try to sow seeds.
   I judge people. Every word out of your mouth, every action you make. I'm analyzing your psychological state, your motives, your ethics. Everyone makes judgements. Tell me you don't and I'll quietly file you away in my head as lacking self awareness / unhealthy lack of critical analysis of own behaviour.
   But what I don't do is act on my judgements. I'll still talk to you in a friendly manner until the cows come home. I'll meet you for drinks. I may think you're immature and selfish, but I'll still give you a ride to somewhere an hour away depending only on if I can spare the time. Sure I may decide not to trust you, not to emotionally invest in you, not to expect much from you, but thats entirely my perogative.
   A Certain Idolist* mentioned in their post that if you read someone's entry and think it might be about you, it might as well be. I agree with that and would like to take it a step further: you should be actively trying to identify if things people are complaining about could apply to you. The fact is that YOU yourself are the single most biased person when it comes to making judgements about yourself. People say you're fickle but you laugh them off because you know you're not? If I were you I'd assume they know better than you about you and look into working on that.
   I don't think I'm above this either. I think I'm far from perfect and am constantly questioning my own practices and motives. I judge and am judged. I don't need to be perfect to think that everyone can be better.

---

And now, That thing everyone else is doing for this topic because its the obvious thing to do: some specific thoughts on specific people. Things which if I just told them directly they'd get defensive about and decide I was a jerk. Hopefully in this form you'll find it easier not to be blinded by defensiveness. I encourage you to TRY to see if it could apply to you:
1. I think you're a lot less mature than you think you are, but also less naive than you pretend to be in the interest of avoiding dealing with things.
2. Maybe they didn't get your writing not because they didn't understand the "advanced literary device" you used but because you didn't use it properly. That you condescendingly jumped to the former conclusion is a classic example of what I wrote about above, and why you're not a better writer.
3. I know you're pretentious about your writing because you're actually really insecure, thats pretty clear, and with that in mind I try very hard to cut you some slack.
4. People are going to think you're a judgmental asshole for your entry this week.
5. You're so vain, you probably think the entry is not about you.

EDIT: Adding more positive ones!!
6. You are an awesome and hilarious blogger, but myself and others have noticed you often drop email conversations or are avoidant if asked if you have AIM, whats up with that?
7. I met you in LJ Idol and you're one of my favourite people. Just hope you straighten out your social life a bit, you don't deserve that crap!
8. We're in a passionate open polyamorouscommunicative idle chatter relationship, and we only just met yesterday, sugarlips! ;D


*Who I'd totally name except in the spirit of this subject it seemed appropriate to leave it unclear who

Comments

[boxsofrain.livejournal.com]

Every word out of your mouth, every action you make.

Oh dear, I better be careful what I say to you. Oh wait, since I am #5 you so aren't talking about me. ;)

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

True fact: one of those this about ME (=

[deza.livejournal.com]

Loved the exposition. :)

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

I pretty much just started writing without knowing where I was going with it. I was like shit its 3am I need to write SOMETHING

[firesign10.livejournal.com]

Good points made here.

I'm always scanning when people write out anonymously - "is that me? is that me?". Not in the "ooh ME" sense, but as you say - am I doing that? should I improve on this? Not, of course, that I don't like it if someone writes something nice and I HOPE it's me ;-)

Good take!!

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

Thanks. (= Yeah its really a major pet peeve of mine that so many people seem to instead think "hmm if he's talking about me he's an asshole" (but presumably if its not about them than he may be right!)

[agirlnamedluna.livejournal.com]

Hm. Good point.

Every time I see those "you so and so" posts, I try to apply it to myself. But honestly, I'm so perfect, it never does.

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

Haha well actually its true, I had a paragraph about how you were the exception to the rule because you're perfect, but it got cut when I was editing for length. ;)

[tigrkittn.livejournal.com]

I'm totally #5! *hee* Great entry!

[theafaye.livejournal.com]

I think we're ALL #5! LOL

[genesayssitdown.livejournal.com]

man wtf is lj idol all about??

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

Its modeled after the TV show "American Idol" but instead of doing whatever it is they do there (singing right?) its about blogging. So we get a topic once a week (this week, as noted, its "You're So Vain, You Probably Think This Entry's About You" and write whatever that topic inspires us to. At the end of every week there's a vote and the bottom 5% or so of vote-getters get weeded out. Its kinda fun to have a weekly topic to try your best at blogging at, and you get to know lots of other people who are participating. (=

[thenodrin.livejournal.com]

This is great. I'm wondering if it is a rebuttal on my entry. I'm thinking that I'm probably #4.

Whether I am or not, you have given me some things to think about. You are right in that people do not like criticism and giving it to them sometimes causes more problems than it cures.

For example, my new roommate stinks. Literally. He smells really bad. But, he can't smell it, and he honestly thinks that the rest of us are just making fun of him. He also turns the TV up too loud and drowns his food in salt. It is as if all of his senses are turned down low.

I tried confronting him directly about it, and he blew me off. So, I just work around him. I turn the TV down when I get home. He can go to his room and play it as loud as he wants, but the living room is at a reasonable level when I am there. I don't accept his food when he cooks it (and, I tell him why and he laughs at me). I burn incense and keep my towels in my bedroom rather than in the bathroom. I refused to turn the hot water heater up when he claimed that straight hot water was too cold.

He accused me of being passive-aggressive. But, really, I'm just being passive. I don't care if he changes his ways. I'm just working around him, no longer willing to argue and try to explain that if you can still see the salt on the hamburger after it has been cooked, then there is too much salt. I'm no longer willing to argue about him turning up the TV, I'll just keep the remote.

So, in that, I understand what you are saying. I'm just not sure that complaining about a general thing and hoping that the other person takes the hint is the best way to go about it. But, you have a point that being direct can cause its own problems. I have found a personal middle ground of what I am direct about, and what I simply work around on my own with no expectation of change from the other person.

But, given your comments, I don't think that there is a workable general solution. Maybe each person needs to be at least somewhat indirect just to maintain politeness? I'm not sure. But, again, something you have me pondering about.

Theno

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

Haha I didn't mean for this entry to be an endorsement of being indirect so much as just an in defense of making judgments and admitting everyone is making judgments, with a side of not being in denial when someone is trying to convey something to you (in whatever way they are trying.)

The seeming endorsement of indirectness of this entry probably very sharply contrasts with my Entry on the Rants Topic, where I argue heavily for direct communication. I guess I would reconcile these two entries by saying anything pertaining to a relationship with someone else or something you need, want, or expect from someone else, should be communicated directly. The indirect communication described in THIS entry should only be applied when you are making statements which probably conflict with deeply held opinions the person has about themself. I'm mainly only talking about critiquing people's personality flaws here.

As to the roommate with deeply maladjusted behaviour, don't we all know about that! And its a big trade off between not wanting to be unnecessarily mean by picking at someone's faults, wanting to help THEM out by making them aware of things they could change to get along with people better in the future, and of course wanting to address behaviours of theirs that you just can't stand. Its really a balancing act trying to make it through a year lease with such a person without going insane or making them hate you or both. There's no one answer to that situation.

And actually 4 was about myself ;D

[gratefuladdict.livejournal.com]

My sponsor used to always tell me, "Don't worry. By the time you're worrying if that person is judging you, it's way too late."

We all judge, whether we like to admit it or not. Good entry.

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

What I loved about having a mohawk was people would definitely make all these immediate judgments, but by and large they'd all be wrong. Random people would always ask me if I had or knew the local place to get drugs (and of course, I've never done drugs), people would assume I was some kind of radical anarchist whereas I'm actually very much in the centre of the political spectrum, etc etc. I loved the erroneous judgments.

[roina-arwen.livejournal.com]

Well done, Sugarlips! ;)

[gratefuladdict.livejournal.com]

Can I have a cookie?

Also, my roommate and I once pretended to be a couple so he could use my AAA membership to renew his registration.

It all fell apart when he called me sugarbritches and I collapsed on the floor choking and laughing.

[brightflashes.livejournal.com]

This is really great! And it's the first entry so far that has caused me to wonder if it's about me hehe (number 1), but I'm going to assume it's not because I can't afford to get all nervous. PM me if it is, though, and let me know how to fix it and I'll work on it. : )

Person (1)

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

Haha well I feel like in keeping with what I said in my entry I should say "well maybe it IS you then!" but it would be cruel of me to leave you thinking I think that about you. Its about this girl. I have a new (much more concise!) story about how she exemplified the attributes described this week, which I will probably post within the next few days. d=

[furzicle.livejournal.com]

I'm thinking our relationship is mostly about #7.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Oh man, but why aren't you writing about me? :P

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

I was having trouble psychologically analyzing you so I hired a private investigator to gather more information. They haven't gotten back to me yet. ;D

[boxsofrain.livejournal.com]

What number are we, Pumps?

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

I couldn't put us in the list because there'd be so many words like "awesome" "amazing" "fucking brilliant" etc in the description everyone would feel bad about their own. (=

[fourstrifes.livejournal.com]

I share your general opinion.

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

Thanks (=

[shadowwolf13]

*laugh* Wonderful. :)

And I love the positive ones. :)

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

Thanks (=

[solstice-singer.livejournal.com]

Nicely cone! Lots of good points were addressed here.

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

Thanks! (=

[fsk8ing-judge.livejournal.com]

"At first I didn't know why. After some contemplation, however, I think I've figured it out.
'You're so vain, you probably think this entry is about you' is inherently a vain and hypocritical statement. The statement carries the assumption that whomever the writer has in mind, the writer thinks that person is going to read their entry, and is assuming they care about the entry. As such, there's a major irony in ever using that statement in a serious manner."

Very well written. And so very, very true.

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I'm really suprised by all the positive comments I'm getting -- I wrote it as basically a stream of conscious not-knowing-what-the-next-sentence-will-be-till-I've-written-it rant at 3am. (=

[xo-kizzy-xo.livejournal.com]

I judge people. Every word out of your mouth, every action you make. I'm analyzing your psychological state, your motives, your ethics. Everyone makes judgements. Tell me you don't and I'll quietly file you away in my head as lacking self awareness / unhealthy lack of critical analysis of own behaviour.

I think it's safe to say we all do this at one time or another, be it IRL or on LJ. But how you deal with it says much more.

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

Thanks (=

[baxaphobia.livejournal.com]

Some good points. I usually don't make the annonymous comment thing about people on my Flist. Now coworkers are another story! haha

[scienter.livejournal.com]

This was fabulous and I agree with your analysis. I totally judge everyone on some level. We all do. And I love your first paragraph...there really is an irony to this topic in this particular contest.

Awesome entry!

[lordrexfear.livejournal.com]

Hey guess what?

I read this...!

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

Hahaha way to cut to the chase.

[finding_helena]

If I were you I'd assume they know better than you about you and look into working on that.

I don't agree with this statement. Depending on how well the people know you, they may be more or less likely to be right. Also, if multiple people say something, it's more likely to be true than if only one person says it. Personally, I think that people should give credence to other people's opinions, but only to a point, and that point depends on how well they know the other person. Otherwise you have a recipe for people who can't look to themselves for any evaluation of themselves, and they're susceptible to being buffeted around by what everybody else says, whether or not those people have their best interests in mind.

Other people are biased too. Maybe my friend thinks I'm fickle because I really am fickle. Maybe she thinks I'm fickle because her mom is fickle and it drives her nuts and so she overreacts to anything in other people that resembles it, but relative to most people I'm not fickle. Maybe she thinks I'm fickle because she's actually really mad at me and is being nasty on purpose. Maybe she thinks I'm fickle because SHE is fickle and it annoys her in herself. Her response may not even be ABOUT me.

So, I think it merits considering the other person's response... but not automatically assuming that it's going to be more valid than mine. The whole picture needs to be considered.

Nice entry.