ECHIDNII ARE FOREVER
Sep. 12th, 2003 12:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
aggienaut I seem to be making a lot of updates for someone without a computer. Hm. I'll catch up with all your comments when my computer is functional again. In the mean time, The Chosen Echidna defied all odds in a comeback story fit to be made into a dumb hollywood sports movie, and went out last night. So you all realize how foolish you are not to be subscribed, I shall here reproduce the issue in its entirity (and with html!):
THE CHOSEN ECHIDNA
ISSUE XII - ECHIDNII ARE FOREVER
INTRO
-Kris.
On September 13th it will have been one year since the last Chosen Echidna went out. That, my dear comrades, is not acceptable. I have therefore vowed to do everything in my power to send an issue out this very evening, despite the severe dirth of material, and the fact that my computer is currently on strike and utterly refuses to function. I am only able to make these words currently appear through ancient and unholy magick which I learned while passed out from coffee overdose in an IHOP refridgerator while buried under a mountain of frozen grade F shrimp.
Sexiled - to be exiled from one's room because one's roommate has "gotten lucky". The sexilation of roommates on account of a committed relationship is strictly forbidden, because it has a potential to occur all too frequently for your poor roommate and you could have planned ahead. So only spontanious incidents may result in sexile jettison of your roommate, otherwise you may find yourself on trial in the hague with other such criminals like Slobodon Milosevic.
Thats my only word today. This is an express Echidna. Similarly
there will be no quotes today.
i...intro, duh
ii..word of the day
iii.table of contents {--"you are here"
1...Kris rambles
2..."Local Emo Band Declares Their Music 'Unclassifiable'"
by Eric from The List
3...Go D3!!!
by the Kris
4...Taco Pilgrimage
by Eric (reprinted with wholly imagined permission)
iv..Conclusion
As if I didn't do enough rambling in the intro I decided to start up again. The subject of this rant, Kris' adventures over the last year, and some references to livejournal.
So everyone is using livejournal these days.. or some other online journal, or "blogging," or whatever you want to call it. Mostly they are whining about their most current, uninspired, and irrelevant emotions or thoughts. Personally I try to keep that out of the livejournal and save it up for the Chosen Echidna, muahahaha! Hmm, considering the year of inactivity, I'm not sure what that would imply about my mental state.
THINGS TO DO TO FEND OFF BOREDOM:
Anyway, for a more or less daily little mini-echidna you can check out my livejournal (LJ) at www.livejournal.com/~emosnail. Also I
recommend my friend Eric's, since I intend to use one or two of his entries as articles in this issue, with varying degrees of permission to do so. Also this girl theuglyvolvo, whose name I know not, is very funny in her LJ and I intend to trick her into writing for the Echidna sooner or later. And... while we're at it why don't you check out the LJ of my brother Tobin, and ponder his crazy life.
This significant use of livejournal has also taught me some rudementry html magic tricks, which if I could use in this newsletter would make it nice and spiffy looking but I can't find a way to do that. It sure would help with links at least.
Anyway, that covers the LJ part of this rant. Now as to my activities over the past year. Well the first half is kind of a blurr because I wasn't covering every minute detail through livejournal, but there are some myths and tales which still survive.
It of course was my second year at UC Davis as an International Relations major. I somehow became a Justice on the school Supreme Court, who coincidentally was just about to deal with the only issue they've ever dealt with that anyone cared about ("D1"). The rest of the court however was evil and malignant and refused to listen to my sage advise at the timd; I vowed vengeance upon them and a month later was the reigning Chief Justice. True story.
Lets see.. I worked as a cashier at the "Coffee House" on campus for about a month or so before getting fired. Then in an acute case of "employment rebounding" I became a cook at IHOP the very next day. Worked there for about a month before I realized it was just a silly rebound and quit, vowing a life of slothful indolence. Then I got jumped by four redneck/gangsta davis native youths and hospitalized. That was good times. Worked for my sixth summer as a lifeguard at Wild Rivers Waterpark, where I now have seniority over 2/3rds of the supervisors, and here I am now, about a week away from returning to Davis for another year at the front lines against the native savages.
Aren't you glad you read all that? Yea I'm gonna keep moving before I change my mind and erase that whole bit. The legendary Echidna cofounder whom I've been sworn to never mention, among many indictments alleging me to be basically a horrible person, accused me of turning the Chosen Echidna into a personal journal. She - It I mean - shortly admitted never having read or seen the publication since the first issue.
2 - Local Emo Band Declares Their Music "Unclassifiable"
(From the journal of Eric from the List)
Vacaville, CA - Local emo band Push Turns to Shove declared their
musical style "unclassifiable" in an online biography released last Tuesday. Citing "a vast accumulation of musical influences, such as AFI and Jimmy Eat World", guitarist Kevin Roessler explained via the band's webpage that while some listeners may consider the music to be pop-punk or emo, it should be clear to a more astute observer that the music of Push Turns to Shove defies any such mundane genre classification.
"Push Turns to Shove? Yeah, I think they played here a couple weeks ago," says Ruben Gutierrez, who runs a local teen center. "I guess it's what they're calling Emo these days." Confronted with the band's clear denial of any such label, Gutierrez responded, "Do they have their own sound? Well, I wouldn't say they sound like The Get-Up Kids. The Get-Up Kids are good."
Roessler reportedly reacted to this statement by softly weeping into his ill-fitting secondhand sweater. Various accounts also describe improvised, free-verse poetry displayed in his livejournal, tending toward subjects of alienation and loneliness.
In other news, the genre of emo announced at a weekend press
conference, "We could really use some more original bands. serious."
3 - GO D3!!!
By Kris
A BRIEF EXPLANATION: I wrote this during the height of the "D1"
frenzy last fall... UC Davis moved to upgrade itself rom "Division
2" athletics to "Division 1" (D1); the only practical changes being that more money would be allocated to jock scholarships.
ARTICLE:
"UC Davis continues its winning streak by defeating Saddleback
Community College 205-0." This and many similar headlines could be appearing on newspapers near you if UC Davis successfully moves down to Division Three athletics.
Athletics officials explain that the fundamental benefit is name recognition. The large number of community colleges and other institutions with feeble D3 athletics programs would give us a much larger array of schools to compete with. This in turn would increase our name recognition and reputation over a much larger area. It would also have a great impact on increasing the number of applicants to UC Davis, as community college students are much more likely to subsequently attend Davis than say, San Diego State students.
"Why would we want to compete against a D2 or D1 school anyway? They clearly won't be inspired to transfer to UC Davis from such an experience. Heck, we might even be defeated and bring shame upon our descendants for generations to come," explains one athletics official. "We shouldn't chance it, we should compete against Division Three schools where we know we can win and inspire our competitors with fear and inadequacy."
Initially the change to Division Three was to be paid for by the Administration, as has been done at other schools, but an overeager ASUCD senator apparently took the initiative in offering to have the students pay. "Yea, we were going to pay for it all, but one of the ASUCD senators took it upon himself to campaign for students to fund it, and we sure as heck weren't about to stop him," concedes an administration representative "no, we're not really sure why he's doing this. It crossed our minds that he may be trying really, really hard to suck up to us, but we're more of the opinion that he's just permanently delirious.
If approved, the D3 initiative will bring along with it several buildings which have absolutely no relation to D3, and several ASUCD senate candidates who intend to ride the wave of
support for it into office. Political science majors will all
attest however that these kind of unrelated connections are to be
expected in any healthy political environment. "Its like those
sucker fish, echeneididae, that attach to whales and sharks; they are completely expected and normal." At a cost of $1,372.98 per student per year, in addition to the various chosen echeneididae, the costs will significantly be used for giving full scholarships to jocks. Much like the aforementioned sucker-fish, this also apparently is in keeping with natural laws of the universe, as the athletics official explained: "these students are unfairly discriminated against because the skills they happen to have don't correspond to uses in the real world, therefore it is only right, fitting and ethical that we offset this terrible situation by having other students pay more so that the athletes don't have to pay."
As the official summarized, "We need to stop slogging around with equal schools we have nothing to gain from competing against, and completely throw out this idea of competing against superior schools, let us bring ourselves glory: its time; think D3."
4 - Del Taco Pilgrimage
By Eric from the List (Okay so I don't know his last name)
Two weeks ago, the [My Favorite Band] crew came up to Davis for some touring. While they were here, Justin told me about his visit to Del Taco headquarters.
The Del Taco building is in Laguna Hills, my hometown, maybe 4 miles from my parents' house. We speak of it with reverence. There are a few Del Taco restaurants and franchises around the area, and these kept us plump and healthy during our high school years. The following
menu items were key:
Regular Red Burrito - now known as the half-pound bean and cheese
burrito. $.99, always. Probably the best value on the menu.
Tacos, soft or cruchy - once legendary at $.39, now merely impressive at $.49. I like the soft kind, Justin goes for the crunchy. This does not result in any real tension between us.
Classic Chicken burrito - Effing good.
Quesadillas - various forms. Sometimes fantastic, sometimes nothing special.
Tostadas - $.79, and also fucking good. Tomatos, beans, lettuce, and cheese, on a flat crunchy shell.
The standard combo that Justin devised was a burrito, 2 tacos, and a tostada. Full meal, $2.76. It was too beautiful for this world... it couldn't last. The taco prices were eventually raised, and the tostadas were discontinued! This was my primary reason for moving to Davis. I couldn't handle all the painful memories.
But back to the story. Justin and his comrades hired a sherpa to lead them to the hallowed grounds of Del Taco HQ. They were told that physical strength alone could not carry them the journey - it would be a spiritual strength that filled them, and allowed them to travel the arduous paths of Moulton Parkway and Lake Forest Drive. And so they went.
*Note: for appropriate background music for this story, click
here.
Justin was one of the chosen few who finished the journey. He wasn't able to describe the building palace itself - mere words were not suitable, it seemed. Instead, tears came to his eyes as his memory recalled it.
At this point the sherpa departed, and Justin and his fellow pilgrims were escorted through the palace grounds. Impressive as the building was, Justin had other things in mind. He had come with a question - he had come here for Truth. And so, Justin did seek out the Creator Himself.
Here now in the story Justin's voice took on an almost transcendental tone. Who can imagine the awe that possesses a man confronted with the Creator? And yet, Justin was filled with confidence, for there is no higher power than Truth. He asked the Creator the question that had so long tortured his soul. He spoke in haiku:
Infinite sage One,
Whence have Thine tostadas gone?
They were my fav'rite.
The Creator took in these words as one does when he already knows what the question will be. He smiled a broad, benevolent smile, and spake thusly:
Each creation Mine
Has many purposes here.
The beef works so hard.
The tostada shell
'Tis a lazy one indeed,
And of functions, one.
O flat yellow disc -
I smite thee, indolent child!
Tostadas - no more.
Justin's mortal form collapsed after hearing these words, and he awoke back at home, surrounded by others waiting to catch the pearls of wisdom as they fell from his lips.
So basically, the tostada was discontinued because the shell only had one use, and I guess tostadas weren't ordered that often anyway.
Conclusion
Yea this is the end already even though I have more of my own rambling I COULD do... this is the express Echidna like I said. And if the mighty Echidna Chooser himself does smile upon us perhaps we may even have another issue in a week? I wouldn't rule it out, once things get rolling its a lot easier than when things have gotten stagnant and sat around for months.
If you remain terminally bored or actually see some merit in my writing or something deranged like that, then you can find a number of stories I wrote for intro to creative writing last spring here.
Most importantly, SEND ME ARTICLES. Satirical news (oh seriously that just reminded me of another article I was gonna write for this one.. oh well), humorous opinion or editorials, essays on true things that are extremely humorous, I'm sure you can manage something. Read Cometbus for inspiration.
Second most importantly, trick, decieve, bamboozle or politely ask all your dear friends and comrades to subscribe to this enlightened fount of literature. Thank you.
Kris Fricke, Editor-in-Chief
Compliments, complaints, comments, questions, letters-to-the-editor, delusional ravings? Kris is eagerly awaiting such things at snailofthekaiser@yahoo.com
Or if more specifically you wish to seduce a particular columnist:
Anna LeLoup; columnist
heywhatnow5@yahoo.com
Fishes; columnist
wildfish@collegeclub.com
Sean Wallitch; Website Lackey
ig98@mac.com
JK Grence; columnist
jkgrence@bigfoot.com
Trenton McManus; columnist
tkmcmanus@ucdavis.edu
Chris Mays; local personality
cdmays@ucdavis.edu
Kel; Pennsylvanian Correspondant
kelley_rocks_my_casbah@hotmail.com
Nidia Gonzalez; Web Monkey
blondierocks6@hotmail.com
Jordan Smart; official thrall
smartgulch@yahoo.com
Collin "Crackwhale" Watson; deceased
Bari_jazz@hotmail.com
Matt Mullen; deceased, president of the SWO
hugosimps@home.com
Be it that you are constantly racked with fits of terminal
unworthiness, escape from this list may be begotten by the sending of email to Echidna-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
(Please read if you are a figure of authority.)
Any portrayal of events herein described which one may perceive or interpret to be in violation of university edict, residence hall policy, Californian or Federal law, or social expectations, is entirely fictional. These stories are made up to make the lives of the staff and writers seem significantly more interesting than they actually are, and to give
the RAs the warm feeling that there actually ARE violations out there for them to find, whereas in actuality we are all in strict observance of all policies.
So there you have it. Any feedback would be appreciated. Comments to this entry seem to be as good a place for that as any.
And once again, subscribing is something you and everyone you know, would like to know, or secretly "know," should do:
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no subject
Date: 2003-09-26 09:09 pm (UTC)not to speak ill of ALL gay people; its just well established that I think brandon is a total poser.
no subject
Date: 2003-09-27 02:02 am (UTC)potato
mia
PS: you're not homophobic tho are u?
no subject
Date: 2003-09-29 10:51 pm (UTC)Brandon isn't an irish person.
no subject
Date: 2003-09-30 04:33 am (UTC)