The Agrinautica

   Saying goodbye can be very hard. It can be heartbreaking, it can be a huge relief, it can be lifechanging, it can be touching.

   And unfortunately, saying goodbye is something we're going to have to do a lot of. Especially when the zombies come.


How To Say Goodbye, When the Zombies Come
   When the zombies come, there will be a lot of goodbyes. It will be terrifying and horrible and mindblowingly heartbreaking.
   We'll have to say goodbye to very society and civilization as we know it, but the hardest goodbyes will be to individuals. Most of the people you know will be reduced to shambling hulks. Many of your friends will be reduced to slavering monsters. And, worst of all, odds are people very close to you will succumb!

   To help us understand what it will be like to lose loved ones in this manner, I consulted local psychologist supremegoddess1. She explained that one will probably go through "some variant of Kubler-Ross theory -- the 5 stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance."

   Unfortunately your loved one will not simply be gone. They will either be wandering the streets in search of blood, or perhaps, worst of all, if you are around when they succumb they may be trying to KILL YOU. This is a deeply regretable occurance.
   If your former loved one is actively trying to kill you or someone you know, you will probably have to "kill" them. This, I would imagine, is probably one of the most traumatizing things that could happen to you.

   supremegoddess1 explains: "the inevitable violation of one's primary object attachment, no matter how socially altruistic, will consequentially invariably result in a devestating blow to one's ego strength and sense of relationship permanency. ...Incapicitated by the decision to be made, in which one cannot possibly win, we will logically be forever questioning and doubting ourselves." One can rationally conclude that destroying your love-zombie is necessary and logical and no longer really themselves anyway, but in the actual situation, one will surely be haunted with guilt over their actions for the rest of their lives. Once again we turn to the psychologist to explain what a guilt-trip is in clinical terms: "honestly we'd be just as likely to use the phrase "guilt trip" as any other." Well then.


   Next I turned to my friend Mark, a microbiologist, for a perspective from the more anatomical side of science. Once I explained the situation to him he had an answer immediately that I never would have thought of: "hold her down use a saw to open her skull and take out the brain, that way I can have a proper open casket funeral. Zombies dont work without the brain"
   This quickly led to us speculating that when the zombies come, we could start a business: "Brain Removal Specialists: Give your loved one the dignified burial they deserve!" !!!
   We would wear shark armour to protect ourselves from being bitten and use those animal control poles to subdue people's rabid loved ones. A tazer could also work as it will cause the zombie's muscles to involuntarily contract leaving them completely immobilized. We can then restrain them and Mark can do his magic.
   In this manner people will at least be able to have a tearful goodbye to their loved one's body without having it try to eat their brain.


   Finally, I consulted a Women's Studies major to get her perspective. When I explained that I wanted to discuss the upcoming zombie apocalypse to my friend Kerri, she responded "Dude I'm gonna grab a machete and fucking behead some zombies!!!" After I explained things a little further she commented "Mark is so going to get bitten. He's gonna see a hot one and think she's just being frisky when she bites him ...then I'm gonna have to cut his fucking head off! ...then I'll bite you just to be frisky." Rude.


In Conclusion
   So there you have it. The zombie apocalypse will be harrowing and aweful, and many of your goodbyes will be screamed as you run down the street to escape (former) associates. Those of us who survive will likely have such an overload of post-traumatic-stress-disorder that we'll be as crazy and dangerous as the zombies themselves.

   But at least I can offer you a dignified goodbye for your loved ones ... and employment for myself.


SEE ALSO
How To Survive the Zombie Apocalypse - written for 30 in 30 -- and for those with absolutely no sense of humour no I don't really think there's a forthcoming zombie apocalypse, its just fun to write about!
Zombies: A Theological Examination - Actually a relatively serious short discussion on the theological implications of the Schiavo case as regards zombies.
Yasser Arafat Declared Undead, Fights for Undead Rights -- A satire based on the preceding week's confusion about whether he was still alive day by day
Braaaaains...torm -- If you STILL haven't gotten enough of reading about "Saying Goodbye" you can read my previously-locked brainstorm post where I explored more conventional approaches to this subject, and how I never say goodbye.
Footnotes