aggienaut | Some Satire

Yasser Arafat: Dead?? Not Dead?! Undead!!
Paris, France - Conflicting reports have been filtering out of the military hospital containing Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat regarding his condition for the better part of a week. World leader's have accidentally announced their condolences at his death only to find out later that he's officially still alive. On Wednesday however, all parties have finally come to a compromise: Yasser Arafat is undead.
   "This certainly solves the debate over where he would be buried" a Palestinian official commented. Authorities at the French hospital reported that they would be releasing the undead Arafat back into his natural habitat later on this week. While it appears the undead leader will probably no longer be involved in Palestinian politics, an individual close to him reported "he wants to fight for a homeland for the un-alive now, a place where the life-impaired won't be second-class citizens anymore and will no longer be subject to prejudicial attacks and oppression anymore ... at least thats the impression I got from his moans and grunts." A friend of Mr Arafat confirmed "they prefer to be called 'the un-alive' rather than 'the undead.'"

Bush Replaces Ashcroft, Claims Radical Conservatism Was Just A Joke
White House, Washington DC- Earlier today it was announced that controversial attorney-general John Ashcroft will no longer be serving with the Bush administration. Bush explains "that radical conservatism my administration formerly espoused? Yeah that was just to get me re-elected. Seriously that was some crazy talk." In a speech remarkably lacking in grammatical errors, Bush went on to announce that the United States will be signing the Kyoto Protocol and other environmental agreements, and that he'd actually recently met with several influential Iraqi rebel leaders, including notably Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, and over tea, crumpets and an evening of watching television they settled their differences.
   "At one point we were flipping through channels and Degrassi came on. Abu Khalid became enraged and promptly took a nearby cocktail waitress hostage, but I was able to convince them it was an entirely canadian production and they calmed down." As a result of this sudden turn-around, violence in Iraq has come to a stand-still.
   "I'm still going to have Michael Moore arrested on trumped up charges and sent to a forced labour camp though" Bush was later heard remarking to an aid.

But Really Now
   Kristy and I will be heading down to Orange County tomorrow morning and staying there until Sunday.