The Agrinautica

Time Limitations
   First day of the quarter and I made the front page -- or at least our current case did, but I was mentioned.

   While I was on the Third Floor, Senator Thomas "Llord of the Sith" Lloyd enformed me that he'd be "writing legislation so the Court can't delay cases anymore." I informed him that we were handling the case as swiftly as constitutionally possible (Hearing is on Tuesday, the first day since the case was filed for which we could provide the required three academic days of notice). He really ought to learn to be a little more diplomatic, there's a million ways he could have said that without sounding accusatory and misinformed. "I want to set a time limit for how long you can take to decide a case" he continues. Me: "There currently is one, its ten academic days and we've always had a hard time staying within that" "well it should be seven calender days then." This of course was all thoroughly discussed two years ago, and it was intentionally set at academic days to prevent the event of a case being unaddressable through being filed on the last day of a quarter such as this one was.


Elections Committee to Run in Election + a hamster
   The current case (#28, Harney v. Leathers) addresses the fact that allegedly candidates in the recent ASUCD election were not in fact qualified to run for office. This quarter we will have another ASUCD election, and in brilliant act of parody the Elections Committee itself (seen massacring the previous elections committee in this picture from the archives) has been said to be running for office.
   The slate consists of the Elections Committee members, an alumni, and a hamster. The official statement of the slate, parodying a hypothetical argument of the currently disputed candidates, is that while it may come to be realized that the alumni is not eligible for office, he will have by then been voted in, and if he had been told he was ineligible in the beginning he could have enrolled and become eligible. This closely parallels the current situation where it is disputed as to whose fault it was that the candidates were on the ballot and what they would have done had they known they were ineligible, if indeed they were unaware.
   The slate's platform includes "Transform ASUCD into an explicit Kleptocracy, and purchase an Elections Committee Kleptoc-mobile," and " A huge raise for Alex Park and the rest of Creative Media, because "its not who votes that counts, it who counts the votes," and " Replace Sword and Sandals with Freemasonry as the official secret society of ASUCD. There were at least 15 US Presidents who were Masons; how many were in Sword and Sandals?"
   The staff here at Emosnail would like to recognize that this ingenius act of satire brilliantly combines parallels to current events with extreme hilarity. We therefore would like to award this satire with the highest honours, The Sacred Order of Trogdor (seen here being awarded to Daviswiki founder Philip Neustrom in a traditional Order of Trogdor ceremony). This of course does not in any way constitute an endorsement of the intended political implications of the satire or the political goals of persons associated with it. Emosnail would, however, like to suggest that the Stonecutters be made the official secret society of UC Davis.


Jesus: ineligible as well?.
   In other news, whether Jesus Christ ever existed is set to be determined by a court in Italy. The plaintiff --a former priest, and author of a book asserting Jesus never existed-- is suing the church for "abuse of popular belief" and impersonation. Plaintiff asserts that Jesus did not exist even as a historic figure, but instead is based on one John of Gamala. Under Italian law, as plaintiff Cascioli has made a prima facie case that Jesus did not exist, the burden of proof is now on the church to prove that he did in fact exist. (source: CNN)
   Now I want to read his book. I've heard it said before by other former priests as well, that most of the bible is just synthesis of other myths and legends from other religions which were extent at the time of its compilation.


Picture of the Day

Kristy got new kitty pajama pants for Christmas

Yasser Arafat: Dead?? Not Dead?! Undead!!
Paris, France - Conflicting reports have been filtering out of the military hospital containing Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat regarding his condition for the better part of a week. World leader's have accidentally announced their condolences at his death only to find out later that he's officially still alive. On Wednesday however, all parties have finally come to a compromise: Yasser Arafat is undead.
   "This certainly solves the debate over where he would be buried" a Palestinian official commented. Authorities at the French hospital reported that they would be releasing the undead Arafat back into his natural habitat later on this week. While it appears the undead leader will probably no longer be involved in Palestinian politics, an individual close to him reported "he wants to fight for a homeland for the un-alive now, a place where the life-impaired won't be second-class citizens anymore and will no longer be subject to prejudicial attacks and oppression anymore ... at least thats the impression I got from his moans and grunts." A friend of Mr Arafat confirmed "they prefer to be called 'the un-alive' rather than 'the undead.'"


Bush Replaces Ashcroft, Claims Radical Conservatism Was Just A Joke
White House, Washington DC- Earlier today it was announced that controversial attorney-general John Ashcroft will no longer be serving with the Bush administration. Bush explains "that radical conservatism my administration formerly espoused? Yeah that was just to get me re-elected. Seriously that was some crazy talk." In a speech remarkably lacking in grammatical errors, Bush went on to announce that the United States will be signing the Kyoto Protocol and other environmental agreements, and that he'd actually recently met with several influential Iraqi rebel leaders, including notably Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, and over tea, crumpets and an evening of watching television they settled their differences.
   "At one point we were flipping through channels and Degrassi came on. Abu Khalid became enraged and promptly took a nearby cocktail waitress hostage, but I was able to convince them it was an entirely canadian production and they calmed down." As a result of this sudden turn-around, violence in Iraq has come to a stand-still.
   "I'm still going to have Michael Moore arrested on trumped up charges and sent to a forced labour camp though" Bush was later heard remarking to an aid.



But Really Now
   Kristy and I will be heading down to Orange County tomorrow morning and staying there until Sunday.

   At a Press Conference Wednesday evening UC Davis Chancellor Larry Vanderhoef made reference to "the Emosnail journal," in response to questions about ways he keeps in touch with student life and ASUCD activities.

   Initially listed as one of several ways the Chancellor keeps up with student affairs, he elaborated that "there really was no accurate way to get a feel for the sum of activity within ASUCD until we discovered the Emosnail Journal. The staff at Emosnail really tell it like it is in a fair and impartial manner." He also commended the UC Davis livejournal community as a source of a wider range of more opinionated views. When asked if he was aware of the attempt to remove the ASUCD Chief Justice based on material in the Emosnail Journal, Vanderhoef explained "yes I'm aware of that, and I think it underscores the vital importance and relevance of the journal to ASUCD and the campus at large."

   There was no other discussion of the journal during the press conference, but afterwords an Emosnail field operative happened to overhear some further informal discussion.
   "I think it really brings the government closer to the students than it's ever been before. What'll happen now, for example, when Pavel Ivanov [quoted in the Senate and Aggie for calling the ASUCD President a "bitch"] runs into [ASUCD President] Sara Henry in the hall? Or what about "wdsguy" for that matter?" The Chancellor went on to discuss such tangent issues as Vice President Kalen Gallagher's hairstyles, his high opinion of the efforts of the ASUCD Environmental Planning Commission, speculation as to whether there'd be more closed sessions at the following Thursday (12/04/03)'s ASUCD Senate meeting, and his personal opinion of a number of the people and events portrayed in the Emosnail Journal.

Larry reviews his printed copies of Emosnail Journal Entries