aggienaut | LJ Idol - Breaking, Fast

You are hungry. Before you you see ONION BAGELS, TORTILLA CHIPS, DELICIOUS BEER, CHEAP BOOZE, HOUSEPLANT, & FASTEST TOASTER IN THE WEST. There are also numerous DRUNKEN PARTYGOERS here.

> Look DELICIOUS BEER

You behold many delicious beers, and some undelicious

To the NORTH you spy a DELICIOUS BEER. It effervesces in a hoppy yet full bodied way. It attacks your sense of judgement for -3 damage. You tell a ill timed joke about farmers.

ANNOYING DRUNK FRIEND approaches!

> Attack

You attack DRUNK FRIEND with a MENACING SCOWL. He is unaffected.

His DRUNKNESS attribute gives him a +6 save against SOCIAL CUE attacks!
..
He proceeds to urinate in a house plant. His TACTFUL PROWESS attribute has been depleted
..
He cannot be revived
CARPET suffers heavy damage.
DRYCLEANER gains 20 gold.
..
HOUSEPLANT is now a reanimated undead PARTY FOUL MONSTROSITY wielding unholy powers!
..
HOSTESS’ frenzy meter has now hit TEARFUL OUTBURST. She retreats to the MASTER BEDROOM and casts MY LIFE IS RUINED.

HOSTESS is engaged in casting spell for next 3 turns.

HOSTESS' BOYFRIEND is at a complete loss as to how to handle this, loses all initiative points
..
DELICIOUS BEER has added HOSTESS' BOYFRIEND to its party.
..
..
OVERZEALOUS PARTYGOER observes the lack of authority and with initiative points burgeoning from CHEAP BOOZE intake seizes control of the situation!
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OVERZEALOUS PARTYGOER adds 2 cases of CHEAP BOOZE, TASTFUL LAMP-SHADE and CASK OF AMONTILLADO to inventory. He retreats to the SOUTH
..
He is thwarted by BRICK WALL
..
You suddenly hear a rapping, a rapping at the CHAMBER DOOR
..
DRUNKEN SKEEZEBAG arrives from WEST!
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DRUNKEN SKEEZEBAG MISUSES IRONY, causing himself 10 points of charisma damage ... does not notice.
..
DRUNKEN SKEEZEBAG attacks NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND with BAD PICK UP LINE ATTACK
He is wearing +5 DRUNKEN OBLIVIOUSNESS TO TACT armour!
..
DESIGNATED DRIVER looks worried.
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OVERZEALOUS PARTYGOER applies TEQUILA SHOT to PEER PRESSURE and attacks DESIGNATED DRIVER!
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Attack is parried by ATTRACTIVE DRUNK GIRL WHO NEEDS A RIDE
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DESIGNATED DRIVER initiates WHITE KNIGHT manoeuvre
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DRUNKEN SKEEZEBAG intercepts! Claims he's good to drive!
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Inconclusive subtle verbal melee ensues!
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HOTTIE'S FRIEND intercepts, casting COCKBLOCK spell!
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DRUNKEN SKEEZEBAG retreats, heals self with CHEAP BOOZE!
..
..
SKEEZEBAG notices UNDEAD HOUSEPLANT
..
SKEEZEBAG attacks with PATHETIC PICK UP LINE. HOUSE PLANT is a level 12 dark paladin and is unaffected.
..
However, several PARTYGOERS suffer collateral damage from AWKWARD DEVELOPMENTS INVOLVING A HOUSEPLANT!
PARTY BUZZ is now at critical.
..
..
SKEEZEBAG'S GIRLFRIEND suddenly arrives from WEST!

SKEEZEBAG’S GIRLFRIEND spies UNDEAD HOUSEPLANT. Her jealousy soars. She challenges it to CAT FIGHT FOR HONOR
..
HOUSEPLANT's defiant silence is taken as an acceptance of the challenge.

> Place bet?

EXCITEABLE PARTYGOERS bet DELICIOUS BEER on the outcome!

> Inspect competitors

SKEEZEBAG'S GIRLFRIEND is wiry and has a strong back. Closer inspection of her teeth reveal much to be desired.

UNDEAD HOUSEPLANT: It appears to be a ficus. It is curiously damp
..
SKEEZBAG'S GIRLFRIEND initiates combat, unleashing MENACING FINGER WAG and OH NO YOU DIDN’T.

HOUSE PLANT’s LEAFY ARMOUR easily absorbs the attack.
..
SKEEZEBAG'S GIRLFRIEND taunts with PERSONAL CHARACTER ATTACK.

HOUSE PLANT successfully casts SUMMON PR FIRM and puts positive spin on character. Is no longer damp but “moist and vibrant.”

SKEEZEBAG'S GIRLFRIEND attempts a melee attack but hits shin on coffee table, suffering mild damage.
..
SKEEZEBAG makes an attempt at diplomacy and offers OFFCOLOR THREESOME TREATY.

SKEEZEBAG’S GIRLFRIEND’s irateness meter increases, maxes out.
HOUSEPLANT’s PR FIRM issues press release indicating HOUSEPLANT would never be involved in such things. Is a family values plant.

SKEEZEBAG appeals to OVERZEALOUS PARTYGOER and other males by attempting to cast MARTYR OF FEMALE IRRATIONALITY on self!
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OVERZEALOUS PARTYGOER recommends a KEGSTAND feat as the solution
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HOT CHICKS rally to the aid of HOUSE PLANT, taking offense and threaten to use DENIAL OF GOODS on SIGNIFICANT OTHERS.
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With no centralized authority, party HOT CHICKS UNION quickly falls into civil war
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BOWL OF JELLO looks nervous.
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AMATEUR BARTENDER suffers MINOR ETHICAL QUANDARY about serving more CHEAP BOOZE ... resumes serving CHEAP BOOZE
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OVERZEALOUS PARTYGOER knocks over BOWL OF JELLO in TACTICAL PARTY FOUL manuver.
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The civil war spills over into TACTICAL JELLO HAZARD zone
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Civil war has now escalated into FOXY JELLO HORSEPLAY
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One of the HOT CHICKS initiates a STRATEGIC PARTY FOUL to outdo tactical party foul:
   HOT CHICK #2 suffers from WARDROBE MALFUNCTION!!
   MALE PARTYGOERS look aroused.
   HOUSE PLANT is unaffected.
   OVERZEALOUS PARTYGOER fails his not staring roll, loses 10 tact
   SKEEZEBAG does not attempt not to stare, but is incapacitated for several turns.
..
OVERZEALOUS PARTYGOER equips FLIP VIDEO
OVERZEALOUS PARTYGOER successfully rolls for WAIVER FORM. Gains YOUTUBE PROWESS
   OTHER GIRLS suffer collateral shame damage
   HOT CHICK #2 gains SHADY FILM DEAL, suffers -10 to POLITICAL ASPERATIONS but gains +20 IMDB CREDIT

HOT CHICK #2’s breasts level up.

OVERZEALOUS PARTYGOER levels up to INDEPENDENT PRODUCER
He has gained an artifact, IRONIC TRUCKER HAT!

MALE PARTYGOERS all receive +2 increase in fortitude to LOWER TORSO & ANECDOTE BONUS
However all lose 5 charisma in the eyes of their UNAMUSED GIRLFRIENDS due to the STRATEGIC PARTY FOUL incident, unless they successfully roll JOYS OF SINGLE LIFE!
..
SKEEZEBAG attempts to roll JOYS OF SINGLE LIFE
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SKEEZEBAG fails, instead rolls CODEPENDANCY. He is not ready to pay rent just yet.
..
..
HOSTESS emerges from CHAMBER to EAST. Is appalled, immediately returns to EAST
..
..
SKEEZEBAG'S GIRLFRIEND begins FLIRTATION attack on RANDOM GUY for spite damage to SKEEZEBAG
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SKEEZEBAG notices SKEEZEBAG'S GIRLFRIEND has joined RANDOM GUY'S party.
AND RANDOM GUY has successfully rolled JOYS OF THE SINGLE LIFE as well!!
Party RANDOM GUY teleports to CAMERO
..
SKEEZEBAG suffers emotional damage, quickly attacks CHEAP BOOZE!
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CHEAP BOOZE gets the better of SKEEZEBAG, SKEEZEBAG develops EMO attribute.
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SKEEZEBAG attacks nearby INNOCENT BYSTANDER with SELF PITY attack!
INNOCENT BYSTANDER intiates LOOK AT THE TIME, departs to the WEST
..
..
TACTLESS DRUNKARD removes cigarette from inventory, proceeds to set it alight
..
DESIGNATED DRIVER is hungry.

> Search cupboards

DESIGNATED DRIVER finds BAGELS, adds to inventory.
DESIGNATED DRIVER applies BAGELS to FASTEST TOASTER IN THE WEST
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DRUNKEN FLOOZY mistakes TOASTER for COASTER, applies CHEAP BOOZE to TOASTER!
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Before disaster can be averted, TOASTER, which has the highest initiative in the room, ejects toasted bagels into an immediate collision with CHEAP BOOZE, BREAKING FASTEST TOASTER IN THE WEST & creating ALARMING FIREBALL.

ALARMING FIREBALL regards room as if it were the eye of Sauron.
..
PARTYGOERS cast LOOK AT THE TIME
   SAUCY CHAP has left the room
   CHEEKY LASS has left the room
   DRUNKEN FLOOZY has left the room
   SHAMELESS HE-STRUMPET has left the room
   NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND has left the room
   REGULAR EVERYDAY NORMAL GUY has left the room
   GARY DRESLINSKI has left the room
   HOUSEPLANT has left the room
..
DESIGNATED DRIVER is still hungry.
..
You join DESIGNATED DRIVER’s party
..
DESIGNATED DRIVER’s party leaves for HARBOUR HOUSE 24-HOUR DINER for WAFFLES and BISCUITS & GRAVY.

> Order: ?

Endnotes: Written with substantial input from my friend Laura with whom in ancient times I wrote the Chosen Echidna weekly newsletter of humour and randomness. Echidna lives on as the E in the acronym E.M.O.-S.N.A.L. Laura is currently a writer for racket magazine.
This entry actually began as a conversation we were having about my weekend. ;)